Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute