TEETH IS INNOCENT
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
is this how new cars are made??
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.