Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Body by sandwich.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”