a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”