I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.