I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me trying to walk in a dream
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
FRED: right
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
not to brag, but mine was free
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.