If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.