It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
had to make it
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat