Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?