Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Confused owl: What?!
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
i will not be silenced
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.