[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude