Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Dead sexy!!
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…