inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.