A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.