I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?