me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole