Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
🍞🦆
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.