me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
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62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”