i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.