Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
*exercises sarcastically*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Go girl power!
Get in loser we’re going crying
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.