I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Um … Hot Wings please
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word