Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.