Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese