I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
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I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now