Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
#SuperBowl
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.