I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
the best thing i’ve ever made
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Catercrombie & Fish
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.