[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.