Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Its a hippotatomus
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
our love story in four pictures
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Who does Amazon think I am?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs