I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Got ya covered
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*