A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Wait a minute
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
no refunds
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton