[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.