“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
58.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Based Erika
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊