Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The three genders
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Which wines pair best with gloating?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog