I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please