My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Breaking news:
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
You wish you had this many chins.