HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.