me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
You Might Also Like
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs