An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Yup
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”