Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired