Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The new Ring movie looks terrifying