Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”