Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute