Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
catch me on valentine’s day like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Great Canadian literature.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂