I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no