Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Usage Guidelines
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.