Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
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Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*