Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
nyc:
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.