sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
You Might Also Like
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.