I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”