[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Punctuation Matters. Period.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me as a therapist: omg same
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.